Friday, 7 May 2010

just keep smiling...

...even when you are breaking on the inside. It has been a good and a bad day. Good feedback on the PhD but then I had to go and pick up the ring that belonged to my mother. She loved this ring.

People are wonderful they are concerned that you are ok. You just smile, you don't tell the truth, what's the point? They can't do anything. They can't mend you. Several years ago I lost my identity. I was a businesswoman, own business and all that goes with it, the power suits the lot. I laugh when I look back at it now and what I was like. Then I became ill and lost it all. at the time I pathetically wrote this:

I am no one

I was once

The briefcase, the suit that was me

Now, I'm the Tesco's carrier bag

It is crap I know but at the time it was explaining how I felt. I had lost this identity and had to find a new one which I did and is in the main exceedingly happy.
We all know that we are made up of several identities and I have recently lost another one. That of carer. I have so much time now, no pressure, I can do whatever I want to. I am going to a conference tomorrow. I haven't had to organise anything in order to go. I get up, get on the train and go. No worries about medicines, meals or potential falls.

Everyone is wonderful they have such fantastic ideas about how I am going to fill this time. I just keep smiling but on the inside I am in a thousand pieces as I try and find another new me.
It will be a good day tomorrow but today I just keep smiling...

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