Sunday 21 February 2010


 My own weaknesses have been highlighted to me yet again this week. I am planning on going on a research trip for my PhD novel, it was suggested and then confirmed by the medical profession that I should not plan to travel alone. I need to be accompanied by someone who is willing to act as a support/carer if required. That was a shock! I know it is all with good reason and I know they are right - the joys of having a body that doesn't work properly. But I am now grieving yet again for a perceived lost of potential life. The first time I grieved was when I was first taken ill and I lost my identity. I went from being a successful and vibrant businesswoman to someone who couldn't get out of the house without being exhausted.
Then I had to grieve the fact that my social life would never be the same - I can't eat - at my age most of our social life was based on eating - either at restaurants or eating at friends house. I have no problem sitting with people who are eating but it is very difficult for them and often they have told me it makes them feel guilty and uncomfortable. So I avoid those situations now as I feel guilty for making them feel awkward. It is difficult also to explain in restaurants why you don't want to eat anything so why are you there or if you try and save embarrassment you order food and then only take a mouthful you then have to explain that there is nothing wrong with the food (often to the chef personally as they have taken personal offence).
These were times when I would go back to my writing as it was cathartic and it was a place where I could write the truth as I knew I would never show them to anyone and to this day I haven't and never will as they are from desperate moments.
BUT this weakness allowed me to make the most important change to my life and not many people get that chance. I went to university. I found a life there where they welcome people who are different. I found the passion of my life - writing and reading and the chance to share that with others who are equally passionate. And now as a lecturer I get the chance to try and inspire others. It is a good life and I am very lucky despite the googlies that are sent my way on what seems to be quite a regular basis.
I will deal with not being able to run off on my own on the spur of the never know a knight in shining armour may ride up and take me away so I still get to do it on the spur of the moment. In the meantime I am lucky I have a family who are willing to be that carer so whilst I wait for that knight I will enjoy my time with the people I love and who share my passion for my writing. But most importantly my writing will become stronger and deeper as a direct result of my weaknesses and the support and care of those who surround me both at home and at work. Thank you one and all x

No comments:

Post a Comment