Editing, head space and PhDs

Happy Days!

It was two years ago today that I took my PhD viva. Time has flown, the world has changed and so have I. The little lad in the picture is now a toddler and loving life. My daughter is still smiling and I am very aware of how important family is. I am also aware of how fragile life is.

Things have been happening over the last few months that have made me think, made me reassess and consider what actually makes me happy. One thing I do know is that I still love my writing, escaping into a world of words. I love my research and need to develop it further. However, my research profile is not as strong as it should be that is in part due to work commitments that consume every waking moment leaving no head space to let ideas develop. That is one thing that has to change.
I have lots of ideas bubbling away both creative and critical. I just need to focus and create that head space and I am going to. Watch this space.

During the past week I was talking to NS via skype and we were discussing that innate inability to self edit your own work at times. We both acknowledge that when critiquing other people's work you can see the mistakes both structural and copy but when it comes to your own there is a sense that the shutters come down. This can mean there are some cringe worthy moments when an editor/critique partner points out an issue  in your work that you know you have picked other people up on. Yet you still can't see it in your own work. We were also discussing the importance of working with people and organisations that you trust. I am lucky I can offer that sort of support to my students at the University of Winchester but also to others through  the Golden Egg Academy. It is a very satisfying process watching something grow and evolve. I just get irritated when I can't see my own mistakes.

In fact I am fascinated as to why we can't see the mistakes so I asked gorgeous daughter, who knows a bit about brains, and she came back with the obvious - your brain sees what it thinks it has written and not necessarily what is actually on the page. This is all well and good but how do you make it see it afresh and anew. I am aware there are all the ideas about leaving it in your bottom drawer for three months and then going back to it but it can still be an issue. I know about reading it backwards so you just see the words and not the sentences. Then of course the ever important reading out loud. All of which are valid but I still find the occasional mistakes gets through - so frustrating. I want to explore how the brain works more with this.

How do you approach your editing?

I also wanted to let you in on my plan. It is my intention to use this blog more to develop my ideas as I focus on my research. It is something I have seen a friend do and it works well so thought I would give it a go too. It is time to take control and move on. Watch this space.

However, this is the second post I have written today but the first one will never see the light of day. It ended up just too personal for me and my family but still needed to be something that was written down. This is for all my family, you will know why I have chosen this particular version. Love you.

Full Stop - the PhD has finished

Yesterday I received my PhD at our Faculty of Arts graduation.I thought I would tell you about what an amazing day it was. It is always a spectacular event. For 3 days Winchester is full of excited graduates in black and purple robes (PhD robes are glorious, they are red and purple). Proud families sit outside the numerous cafes chattering and laughing before going in.

Our graduations always runs like clockwork thanks to all in Registry and it is held in the Cathedral which, and I'm sorry but there is no other word for it, is awesome! A great deal of pomp and circumstance goes on. I was very lucky to have my family there to share the moment (including my three and half month old grandson who was beautifully behaved).

It always starts when the senior management and lecturers plus those receiving honorary degrees (Phillippa Forrester and Tony Palmer, who both gave fantastic and inspirational speeches) process down the aisle to the front where they take their places on the dais. Once there all the students are presented to the Chancellor, Dame Mary Fagan, who congratulates every single one of them.

The PhD students come last. This year there were just the two of us in this particular ceremony. Myself and Graham Spencer, who started his PhD at the same time as me so it seemed fitting we should be together. Debbie Welham who also started with us (but finished earlier as she was full time) was ushering and there was a great deal of reminiscing going on! It had been many years since we used to all be sat together on a Monday night doing Research Training.

Many of my friends from the University managed to be in the cathedral too (if you are on facebook you can see many photos!). Plus Sally Ballet, who is a casual verger at the Cathedral (and yes she is quite offended by the title) and like a family member. She and I have been friends for over 20 years so it seemed fitting that she could be there too.

This was the year I particularly wanted to graduate as it was the first time that I had students graduating who I had taught from the first year through to the end. They were a great group and I was so proud of them.

The usher at the end of our row was also a great friend, Leonie, I was just surrounded by friends. It was wonderful. She gave me the biggest smile ever as she pointed me in the right direction. I waved to my students as I walked by. It is quite an impressive feeling walking up the aisle of the Cathedral to the front where I was my met by my Director of Studies, Andy Melrose, who taught me as an undergrad, then during my MA and finally getting me through my PhD. I am lucky, he has become a great friend along the journey too. He greeted me with one of the biggest grin I have seen from him for a long time. He had to present me to the Chancellor as my name and the title of my thesis is read out. It is all quite formal...

But then it happened, a moment, I will never, ever forget throughout the whole of my life. As I walked (limped) up the stairs so I could hear the clapping start then my children whooping. Suddenly the roof came off the cathedral as the clapping became a crescendo of cheers from my students, friends and colleagues. It was just incredible. The Chancellor said 'Everyone seems very happy about your degree!' When Andy helped me back down the stairs he just said 'Did you hear that?'

Outside I was met by another of my supervisors who happens also to be Senior Pro Vice Chancellor, Professor Liz Stuart, who handed me a feather, which will mean nothing to most of you but to those who know the story of my Mum and feathers will understand how important this was. There were more hugs and photographs and many, many delighted students who came to see me.

The day continued on that sort of a high as I received so many congratulations. Many of my friends joined me for drinks before I took my family for a meal. It was a way of saying thank you as I owe these people so much. They have been great friends and such a support throughout the process.

I was on Cloud 9...and still am.

This has just really been mere details I have found it impossible to explain to you how truly amazing the day was. It seems ironic, I am a writer, yet sometimes words fail to appear when you are trying to describe a perfect moment so am going to end on this song for no other reason than I love it.

When I handed my MA dissertation I felt bereft but nothing prepared me for the way I would feel once the PhD process was over with. I am totally lost. Something that filled every waking minute for the last four years has gone and I have to say it is a very strange and horrible feeling. What do I do now? Part of the problem is I don't think I ever thought beyond the PhD. I am told that there is plenty to do, just got to work out what it is. Doing a PhD gives you a structure and a title -you are a research student - then when it is has finished both have gone.

In a couple of weeks the whole process comes to a very final end when I graduate, which will be an amazing experience. We get to wear the most wonderful gowns and we graduate in Winchester Cathedral which is truly spectacular. I will be surrounded by family and friends so it will be a fantastic day. But I have set myself a challenge I have got to get over this dreadful feeling of loss by then. There is so much to do out there, so I am told, even if things like not being able to travel are thrown in my way. I have rewrites to do to the PhD novel for a publisher who have expressed an interest. I have papers to write. But it is all very scary. I think I need a whole bucket full of courage. Fancy holding my hand ;-)

I should also say I haven't been totally wasting my time. I have been reading several books which I am going to post reviews on very soon. It is a novelty to read a book without having to think how it fits in with the PhD, so there are benefits. Keep an eye out for my reviews on Meg Rosoff's There is no dog, c.j.Skuse's Pretty Bad Things and Jandy Nelson's The Sky is Everywhere, for a start.

Don't get me wrong despite all the stress at times and the feeling of loss now I wouldn't change a thing. My PhD years were truly good years.

Throughness and Ambivalence

This is a beautiful picture by George Kennedy of a horse doing dressage. Why? Well apart from the fact I have loved riding since I was very young I read the most wonderful and enlightening piece by Meg Rosoff in her blog on how she discusses a term used in dressage - 'throughness' and applies it to the connection between writer and reader - see her blog on http://www.megrosoff.co.uk/. 'Throughness' is a dressage term that describes that perfect communication between rider and horse. She perceives that it is a communication that is also achieve able between reader and writer. Where something she has written she knows is so good that the reader will understand exactly what she means. Meg suggests that she knows which pieces in a book will be used in a review and the considers that they often come from one of these 'throughness' moments where her writing has almost come straight from the subconscious.

I think this is the most wonderful concept and defines something I have been thinking about for several weeks not just as a writer but as a reader as well. We all know the best books to read are the ones we fell like we have walked into. As a reader you are so totally immersed in the story you become part of the plot with everything going on around you fading into oblivion. As a writer it is that moment when the words just fall out of the end of your fingers and you almost have no control on what is being said, it is the writer deep inside that doesn't have to think too much that has made a rare trip to the forefront of your brain because it is has something really important irresistible to say. This state either for reader or writer cannot be forced not can be it be predicted.But it is a moment of pure 'throughness' where the writer and reader are connected by a pulsating umbilical cord of understanding, they could be perceived as one at that particular moment.

I have one of those glorious weeks where I have had the opportunity to discuss my own work quite a bit. It is very self indulgent but also very useful when doing a creative writing PhD. It gives ideas that have been fermenting away a forum allowing those concepts, now fully formed, to make an entrance into the real world. They become clear and focused when verbalised.

This leads me onto another word I have been exploring this week and that is 'ambivalence'. Both Angela Carter and Freud suggest that ambivalence allows something to move from being 'othered' to being 'normal' implying that the more something is written about the more ambivalent people become to it. It seems a bit of an oxymoron in that ambivalence means to me that someone doesn't care but by writing about it a lot surely implies that you do care. However, as a concept it works and works well. It makes it to explain that sort of movement - for example in Melvin Burgess's Junk in 1996 uses cannabis and heroin to illustrate drug use. Now cannabis has become invisible and part of the plot, just every day life, whilst cocaine is used where cannabis was previously. It is often the drug of choice by writers to highlight drug use now.

Throughness and ambivalence two words I need to do more thinking about...I will let you know.

weakness

 My own weaknesses have been highlighted to me yet again this week. I am planning on going on a research trip for my PhD novel, it was suggested and then confirmed by the medical profession that I should not plan to travel alone. I need to be accompanied by someone who is willing to act as a support/carer if required. That was a shock! I know it is all with good reason and I know they are right - the joys of having a body that doesn't work properly. But I am now grieving yet again for a perceived lost of potential life. The first time I grieved was when I was first taken ill and I lost my identity. I went from being a successful and vibrant businesswoman to someone who couldn't get out of the house without being exhausted.

Then I had to grieve the fact that my social life would never be the same - I can't eat - at my age most of our social life was based on eating - either at restaurants or eating at friends house. I have no problem sitting with people who are eating but it is very difficult for them and often they have told me it makes them feel guilty and uncomfortable. So I avoid those situations now as I feel guilty for making them feel awkward. It is difficult also to explain in restaurants why you don't want to eat anything so why are you there or if you try and save embarrassment you order food and then only take a mouthful you then have to explain that there is nothing wrong with the food (often to the chef personally as they have taken personal offence).

These were times when I would go back to my writing as it was cathartic and it was a place where I could write the truth as I knew I would never show them to anyone and to this day I haven't and never will as they are from desperate moments.

BUT this weakness allowed me to make the most important change to my life and not many people get that chance. I went to university. I found a life there where they welcome people who are different. I found the passion of my life - writing and reading and the chance to share that with others who are equally passionate. And now as a lecturer I get the chance to try and inspire others. It is a good life and I am very lucky despite the googlies that are sent my way on what seems to be quite a regular basis.

I will deal with not being able to run off on my own on the spur of the moment...you never know a knight in shining armour may ride up and take me away so I still get to do it on the spur of the moment. In the meantime I am lucky I have a family who are willing to be that carer so whilst I wait for that knight I will enjoy my time with the people I love and who share my passion for my writing. But most importantly my writing will become stronger and deeper as a direct result of my weaknesses and the support and care of those who surround me both at home and at work. Thank you one and all x

Confusion

I have a question as I think I am confused. I was re-reading an article by Nigel Krauth in the TEXT journal which was talking about your supervisor being editor, which raises a question in itself as it is not a role I had considered my supervisor to have, I saw them more as advisors - arguably the same thing I suppose. What it did seem to imply to me though was that whilst doing a creative writing PhD the ultimate, possibly only, aim was to be published with several already being published prior to completion. (LC's wonderful book being a prime and exemplary example)

Now this is where my question comes to mind - if the aim is to be published does this mean you are meant to write something that is 'commercially' acceptable and not necessarily 'original'? Before you start shouting at me I know every novel written is 'original' (apart from the obvious textual intervention, intertextuality etc etc). My concern is that it removes any thoughts of trying to write something that maybe challenges or pushes the boundaries and that is unlikely to be conceived as 'commercial' by any publisher but is just as valid because of the research undertaken whilst exploring the creative process.

I suppose what also worries me is what makes something of 'publishable' quality? We can all name books that should never have been published - but have. Whether you like a piece is subjective so who defines this indefinable word? Admittedly an issue for any creative writing course and not just PhDs, but I do think that the fact that the point of a PhD dissertation is to consist of original research that advances the knowledge in the chosen area is challenged by having to ensure your work is of 'publishable' quality. As a caveat I am not suggesting that poor writing is acceptable, if anything, it will need to be of a much higher quality if you are trying to break the rules and push the boundaries to the extreme - I am just aware that sometimes the best writing in the world is not acceptable by a publisher because it is not 'commercial'.

I am sure I will be shouted down and put in my place in no uncertain terms(she slips into a cliched ridden defence) but as I said when I explained what I am doing with this blog I am writing about things/issues that come into my head whilst working on my PhD - my musings.

I heard this today and it reminded me of how lucky I am

The real reason

I have set this blog up partly as part of a module I am following/using for a research informed teaching project I am doing. I am looking at ways to encourage creative writing students to engage with the concept of research.But in the main it will be a place for my musings. I am currently doing a creative writing PhD and sometimes all my ideas of my creative and critical processes get confused and need straightening out - hence chaosmos - out of chaos comes order. I intend to use this blog as a metaphorical 'ironing board' (secret I love ironing slightly damp white sheets that smell beautiful and look crisp at the end - sorry I digress). A chance to put my ramblings down to see if I can come to some sort of conclusion.

One of my thoughts is the idea that creativity and criticality form a gyre, a never ending process that continuously develops and evolves: (see picture above) It is one of the many things I will be contemplating through this blog along with rhythm (as previously stated) and whatever else happens to come to mind as I try and complete my PhD. However, please be assured I am not arrogant enough to assume I will achieve any answers just might be able to see things clearer.