F**king Foucault!

Here is a collection of some of the books I have on Michel Foucault. A man who used to be my nemesis but is beginning to turn into my secret lover as I flirt with his work. I don't think I will ever be able to claim I am an expert on him as I find just as I think I 'get him' the concept slips out of my grasp. Let's hope he doesn't turn back into my nemesis at the final viva! This new 'understanding' has come about due to a very patient friend and an equally patient DoS! I admit I can be very thick at times...

The song below is by Labi Siffre,someone I hadn't thought of for ages until I saw a post by Alan Gibbons on facebook this morning - thank you Alan. The title of the song is 'Something inside so strong' and that is what you need to have when you are doing a PhD. Many may call it madness but you have to have something that drives you towards the end and keeps you going. At times it would have been too easy to give up but there was always that voice from inside that said 'I know I can make it'.

It is a song that I would also like to dedicate to all those who marched against the cuts yesterday and all those throughout the world who are currently fighting to get their voices heard. Stay strong

Perigee Moon

It has been an unusual day. Firstly I have finished the final edits on the PhD novel. It just needs to go to the DoS and the rest of the team to have a final look and then it should be submission ready. It is going to be very hard to let go as you already know. Having said that, reading it again today, it is still a story I love and am so pleased I have written regardless of what the future holds for it.
The other unusual event was seeing a perigee moon which I have just seen as I drove back home. I have never seen anything quite so beautiful or big.There were some people I would have loved to have shared it with but even so it was still the perfect ending to the day. A sign of all these new beginnings maybe? It certainly was in charge of the sky.

Confession

I have spent four years buried in this PhD, I suppose it became my 'raison d’être' and within the month I am likely to hand it over. And this is where the confession comes in - I am absolutely terrified. There will be this big hole in my life and it will be very much a case of 'what next?' To which I can only answer, I have no idea and that is frightening in itself. It is very easy to feel alone at the moment.

The worst (and best) thing is, and I know all you authors out there will understand this, is that I have potential interest in the novel that is part of the PhD. It is such a wonderful phrase 'potential interest' - it is full of hope. Once the PhD is submitted they want to see it, but suddenly that potential interest is something that could be whipped away in a brief email of 'not interested.' It is so hard to let go of the novel and in particular let go of that security blanket phrase 'potential interest.' I need to 'Man-up' as my children say and face the world and the reality of it all by sending it out and thinking of the next novel which is bubbling away in the background.

Virginia Woolf says 'The beauty of the world has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder.' My balance seems to be biased towards the anguished at the moment. I need to find more laughter as my heart is definitely asunder.

So to quote Jackson Browne 'I will try anything' (maybe this is the start, my laptop has allowed me to add music!)

Endings

It is 4am and I can't sleep. All the minor niggles of life have suddenly become massive as is the joy of any 4am musing. Yesterday was a long day for many reasons some too personal to share here for the moment. But I finally saw a very dim light at the end of the PhD tunnel. It is happening despite my thoughts over the past few months that I would never get there. Am awake because of the mixed emotions that are now surrounding that. When I started my PhD there was a sense of security within the academic community. So much hope. Unfortunately that is no longer the case. Very few places are in a position to employ new lecturers and that was not something I had anticipated. I feel there are so many endings coming up but what about the beginnings are they really there too?

I really hope so

It's been a while...

Oh the guilt, one of my new year's resolutions was to blog more - failed miserably but with good reason though as every waking moment is focused on the PhD. I was warned (repeatedly) how hard the last few months were, but hey I thought I'm tough I can cope with anything, have you seen how much crap I have had to deal with. Failed again. This afternoon I got close to throwing the laptop across the room in frustration as my brain just wouldn't think through the idea I needed it to. It felt like it could explode at any moment but I got there. Alongside the stress is the satisfaction of seeing something that has been part of my life for the last four years develop into something truly tangible and, of course, it will be worth it in the end...

Tomorrow is my birthday and the start of another year, a year in which, hopefully, I will get my PhD, my gorgeous daughter will present me with an equally gorgeous baby and I hope to have a bedroom to sleep in and another room to work/live in. At the moment and for the last four years I have lived/slept/worked all in one room. It is too complicated to explain why but just take my word for it. Maybe once it is sorted I will post a picture of the new rooms. There are a lot of new beginnings and in some ways quite a few endings. This time last year I could not possibly of anticipated what the year was to bring so who knows what will happen this year. I was born in the year of the Rabbit, as was my eldest son and gorgeous daughter's partner. Apparently last week when it was the Chinese New Year, it was the year of the Rabbit and therefore should be a lucky one for the three of us. That would be good.

Note to self: must try harder lol

The Novelist's Eye

In my last post I spoke about research and the importance of it to me as a writer. But what I failed to highlight was knowing when to stop. It is too easy to keep researching and avoid writing using the excuse 'I must just find out...' As with all writing it is fine art working out when to stop. Nicola Morgan has written a brilliant post on this in her blog Help! I need a Publisher which I would recommend a visit to.

Coming back from London yesterday I used the train journey to dip once again into Edmund de Waal's THE HARE WITH AMBER EYES which I have been reading and enjoying since before Christmas. As I was reading it yesterday De Waal used the term 'with a novelist's eye' and that started me thinking - as writers do we look at the world through a novelist's eye? I wondered what it was. I don't think it can just be someone who is more observant as that can't be confined to writers. So it has to be more than that.

To try and answer this I started to think about my own writing processes and where I get ideas from. I have several notebooks full of short sentences, single words or even paragraph long observations. These are things that have suddenly appeared and sparked an idea which needs to be noted. These can be anything from the colours of a particularly rich sunset to the feelings felt at a certain moment. This is the reason why I carry a notebook with me the whole time and tell my students to do the same. Inspiration can appear at the most inconvenient moments. What I mean by this is not just when you are in the bath or driving but at other totally inappropriate moments. For example I know that on several occasions which have been traumatic or particularly emotional there is this voice in my head that is saying 'remember this it could be useful.' Sometimes I am quite embarrassed by the unfortunate timing of this voice. Luckily for me no one else hears it.

I think that it is not just a novelist's eye, I would suggest that it is all five senses that the novelist uses to enrich and enhance their writing. Every part of our lives past and present may be the source of texture in our writing. It brings it alive. However, I do like the term 'the novelist eye' and it is one I will use to describe that voice in my head as it says 'look at that,' 'remember that feeling,' 'what does that smell like,' 'did you hear that,' etc

So may your 'novelist's eye' bring you lots of inspirations and notebooks full of ideas that lead to wonderfully rich narratives.

Rewrites and research

Well I have been busily working away at my rewrites thanks, as detailed previously, to the kick-start ideas that were sent to me. It has been going relatively well as I cut numerous chapters and wrote new ones to replace them. It was during this process that I became aware (again) quite how important research is. I always maintain, and tell my students, that research is important for adding depth to your story. It allows you to ensure that your voice is authentic...or as authentic as it can be bearing in mind it is being written from a teenager's perspective by a woman who should know better and is definitely not a teenager.

Doing these rewrites has meant I have had to remember what I saw when I went to Normandy at the end of June. Now I am the first to admit my memory is not always the greatest. Luckily I did the sensible thing. I took masses of photos and filled a notebook with details of what I saw, smelt, felt, heard and ate. The majority of which will not end up in the novel but are there as an aide memoire. For example, in one of the new chapters two of the characters are walking towards the cathedral in Caen. It is a large gothic building with looming spires. But I wanted to focus on the detail. I remembered there was something about the gargoyles that had intrigued me and was maybe something that could tie into the novel. I went back through my photos and there it was a picture of said gargoyles which are not gargoyles at all but are almost dog like (see photo above). If I hadn't taken the time to take all those photos these sort of details would have been lost and the novel would have been the worse for it. Not because they are vital but because research can add such depth and vitality to a manuscript.

I also do a lot of research via the Internet. It is a wonderful resource - as long as you check the credibility of the site. Over the bank holiday weekend I twice found myself in a situation where I needed information. The University library wouldn't be open and despite the numerous books I have none of them could supply the information I required. So I turned to the old friend 'Google'. You ask it a question and it comes back with a variety of pages that can solve your problem. I was able to pick up the single word 'sawback' which I could use when describing a knife. It gave the impression of violence and potential damage that I wanted to create. Then I was able to find the lyrics of Muslim lullaby part of which I could include. I wouldn't have known where to start with that if it wasn't for Google. And I have to say, their translation application is vital for someone who managed to get U in her French O'level despite being in the top set...

What am I saying? I suppose I am suggesting that you keep all your notes, pictures and ideas as you never know when they might be useful again. Just remember all research is like disposable writing (disposable writing I see as characterisation, creating a sense of place etc that you write so you know your characters and where they are inside out) it is there to add that touch of actuality to your piece. That sense that the reader can 'suspend disbelief' (S Coleridge) and can be sucked into the world that you, the author, has created.

So as opposed to location, location location...I would like to suggest research, research, research...