Confession

I have spent four years buried in this PhD, I suppose it became my 'raison d’être' and within the month I am likely to hand it over. And this is where the confession comes in - I am absolutely terrified. There will be this big hole in my life and it will be very much a case of 'what next?' To which I can only answer, I have no idea and that is frightening in itself. It is very easy to feel alone at the moment.

The worst (and best) thing is, and I know all you authors out there will understand this, is that I have potential interest in the novel that is part of the PhD. It is such a wonderful phrase 'potential interest' - it is full of hope. Once the PhD is submitted they want to see it, but suddenly that potential interest is something that could be whipped away in a brief email of 'not interested.' It is so hard to let go of the novel and in particular let go of that security blanket phrase 'potential interest.' I need to 'Man-up' as my children say and face the world and the reality of it all by sending it out and thinking of the next novel which is bubbling away in the background.

Virginia Woolf says 'The beauty of the world has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder.' My balance seems to be biased towards the anguished at the moment. I need to find more laughter as my heart is definitely asunder.

So to quote Jackson Browne 'I will try anything' (maybe this is the start, my laptop has allowed me to add music!)